A few days ago, I had an inbox on Facebook from a lady seeking advice from me and my friends and followers on Facebook. You can follow me on Facebook. My user name is Olu Bunmi AKA Jopa’s daughter. Hope to see you there! Cheers.
The lady is in her late 30s, has a good job and SS genotype. She wrote of the stigma she has faced because of her genotype and she is worried about her biological clock vis a vis motherhood.
An ex-boyfriend of hers is now back in her life. When they dated initially, he had asked her for marriage but she declined. They broke up and he went on to get married. His marriage did not work out and he got divorced. He is now back and this time, he is not offering marriage but joint parenting. He is asking her to have a child with him.
Should she accept or not? That was what she needed advice for. My initial sentiments was this – you are good enough for parenting but not for marriage?
But then, I put myself in her position. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby together for about eight years now and it has not happened. Unexplained infertility is what we have been diagnosed with. Now, I’m peri-menopausal. My husband and I have a son each from our previous relationships so, we are not heartbroken about our seeming inability to have kids. But imagine if we did not have these kids?
A good marriage is great but there are no guarantees in life. There are no guarantees that a marriage will work out but the love of a child is almost certainly forever. Plus, a woman’s biology is not permanently able to give birth. There will come a time when a woman’s biological clock will become a biological alarm! Mine is an alarm right now!
I know of ladies in their 50s who while they were in their 20s… 30s…, refused to give birth outside of marriage. Now, they are in their late 50s, still single and also not having any biological children. I am not mocking them but I know some of them now regret putting motherhood on hold.
Now, I understand that not everybody desires to be a mother. But if you desire to be a biological mother, my heartfelt advice for you is this – don’t put it off! Your fertility is not guaranteed for ever!
Back to the post, when I did the post for her, most of the commentators told her not to accept the proposal. If he could not marry her, he did not deserve to have a child with her. Some even went on to accuse him of being a gold digger just because she said she had a good job. I was gobsmacked. I kept wondering, are people for real? Social Media is a scary place! Do people practice what they preach? I remember once, a lady brought her problem to a group, asking for advice. Her husband had been laid off at work and given N3m redundancy payment. The man promptly bought a jeep with all the money. His wife had no car and was taking danfo to drop the kids off at school before going to work. She was very pained. She felt that he could have gotten two cheap cars, one for her and the kids and one for himself. She wanted to know what to do. One of the advisers told her that she, madam adviser could not and would not accept that rubbish from any man! That her husband dared not try that rubbish with her. She said if he did, she would throw his stuff out and divorce him! Unfortunately for her, her husband was also a member of the group and her husband responded under her comment ‘really’? The ‘madam adviser’ replied her husband, ‘Ah. Babym! I can’t do that to you o! Shebi na advice tinz I dey do here na’
One really needs to be careful with SM.
Anyway, back to the lady, I said to her ‘ You have a great job and can take care of a child on your own. Being a mother is not a walk in the park and being a single mother is even tougher but ultimately rewarding. If you know that you can cope emotionally with what this guy is offering and will not be demanding that he marries you, or use the child as a pawn to get more from the guy in future, if you know that emotionally and financially, you are capable of looking after a child on your own and meeting that child’s needs, go for it.
That is also my sincere advice to any mature single lady reading this. If you desire to be a mother, please, don’t wait for marriage first. Love will find you when it will. Your biological clock will not wait for ever.
Is this sin? Let (s)he without sin cast the first stone.