July 24, 2016      12:27

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The Second Half of 2016 By Tolu Ogunlesi


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Tolu Ogunlesi

1213

President Hillary Clinton. If Candidate Trump does not dismiss the elections results and declare himself President. Hopefully the worst he’ll do is seek a power-sharing arrangement, in which she will be President, and he, Prime Minister. In that case Kenya and Zimbabwe, being experienced in such matters, will send a high-powered delegation to advise the United States. President Clinton will join Prime Minister Theresa May and Chancellor Angela Merkel as the three most powerful women on Earth. The Tectonic Triumvirate. Finally the world will see a combination of world leaders who can put Vladimir Putin in his place. And Kim Jung-un.

Barack Obama will visit Nigeria. Long overdue, if you ask me. Then again, I’ve never had anything against saving best for last. Mr. Obama has been everywhere else: South Africa, Ghana, Egypt, Kenya – posterity will not forgive the first black President of the United States for not visiting the most populous Black Country on Planet Earth. While in Nigeria Mr. Obama will record an Instagram skit with Kanmi and Falz, and trend non-stop for one week on Nigerian Twitter.

Barack Obama will enter the Labour market. Whether or not he visits Nigeria, POTUS will, come November, nominally slip into the job market. The actual transition will of course not happen until January 2017, but the final two months will – or should – be spent updating LinkedIn.

The African Union Commission and the United Nations will have new Bosses. Much has been gossiped and written about the burdensome bureaucracies that characterise these diplomatic organisations, and also the fact that they have to, more often than not, subordinate every other impulse to the overriding one of consensus-building. Now, for both of them, an era is coming to an end, and they will get new CEOs. A female UN Boss would not be a bad idea, to reshape TheTectonic Triumvirate (see above) into a Quality Quartet.

Boris Johnson will get into a Diplomatic Incident involving an African Head of State, something that will make Mr. Cameron's ‘Fantastically Corrupt’ Episode seem like child’s play. It will take place on an official visit somewhere in the ‘darkest heart’ of Africa, and it will take the intervention of ArchBishop Desmond Tutu to stop the African Union from ordering an immediate invasion of Great Britain (or Little England, if by then the Scots have had their way).

Lagos will see a test-run of its brand-new Light Rail. The Blue Line, the first of seven to be built (sometime between now and whenever the world comes to an end), will transport passengers from Okokomaiko to Marina, in just under 40 minutes.We will have to find a name for it, something along the lines of London’s ‘Tube’, or New York’s ‘Subway’. And then we will have to get used to the new lingo that will accompany it: Lagosians talking of ‘Ekoyster Cards’ and casually throwing the word ‘Alight’ about (while ‘Drop’ is retained for buses and road transport). And there will be a contest for the Lagos equivalent of ‘Mind the Gap between the Train and the Platform’. ‘Shine Ya Eye’, anyone?

Wizkid will make the cover of the American GQ. Or something very close. He will be labeled the King of ‘Afrobeats’ – and the debate about why the West insists on shamelessly repurposing the name of Fela’s invention will escalate dramatically. A compromise on a replacement ‘name’ will have to be reached, as part of a mediation agreement that will be one of the new UN Secretary-General’s first big tasks in office.

Nigeria will offer Visas on Arrival to all Business Visitors and Potential Investors. And the visitors will get their complete ‘change’ – as well as Receipts – upon payment for the Visas at MMIA. No stories, no excuses, no ‘System Down’. And, no Anything for the boys?

One of the two or three PDPs currently in existence will attempt a Rebrand.Since ‘new-PDP’ is no longer original, it will toy with e-PDP, which people will mistake for an attempt to demonstrate the cool-factor, but in reality will be short for ‘escaping-PDP’. The other factions will go to court seeking a perpetual injunction restraining the e-PDP from escaping. Newspaper headlines will read: ‘You can’t run away, we’re all in this together!,’ PDP tells e-PDP

Abu Shekau will produce and star in one final video – a Surrender video. The End. 


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